What I Rented - Epic Movie

Sometimes I don't know what compels me to watch certain movies. I knew Epic Movie wasn't going to be very good. In fact, based on the recent onslaught of horrible spoof films like Scary Movie 3 and Scary Movie 4, I knew it was going to be downright awful. Yet, still, somehow; maybe it was the promise of at least one cheap laugh; maybe it was some of the more interesting casting choices like Crispin Glover as Willy Wonka, I decided to give it a chance.

Giving Epic Movie a chance will go down as one of the worst mistakes I will ever make in my life.

I am including all potential mistakes I may make in the future as well; like getting involved in bad relationships, finding myself on the wrong side of the law, or inadvertently bringing about the end of civilization. Those mistakes will pale in comparison to the experience of watching all 86 mind numbing moments of Epic Movie.

This is the anti-comedy, sent forth by some demonic figure to destroy all that is good and mighty in the world. Here is a project that doesn't make a lick of sense on a conceptual level, but people decided to say, "screw it" we kinda have a script, so let's shoot something. What is it trying to spoof? It spends most of the time tackling big Hollywood fantasy films like Narnia or Harry Potter, but then decides to throw in jokes based on Pirates of the Carribean, Snakes on a Plane, Nacho Libre, and Click. Huh? Aren't those movies comedies in their own right? How can you spoof something that doesn't take itself seriously to begin with?

It's the same mistake Scary Movie made when it stupidly decided to spoof Scream, which was already a spoof of horror films. You can't just point your fingers and laugh at someone who showed up first and told a funnier, more original joke. It makes you look like an idiot.

That being said what kind of jokes does Epic Movie treat us to? It's your typical collection of gross out gags (it's funny cause it's just plain gross), obvious jokes (it's funny cause we were all thinking it right?), references (it's funny cause they show you something that happened in another movie, but now it happens in this movie too), and puns (Oh Boy - zing - white bitch instead of white witch).

If I had to reach down into the pit of my very soul in order to find something good to say about the movie, I will at least say, without damning myself to eternal Hellfire, that the actors give it their best shot. I can't fault them in this catastrophic mess. Oh, and some of the sets are nice...

But everyone else....oh boy!

Epic Movie is now the film I will refer to in order to describe how unfunny something is. It is truly one of the worst films ever made.

ZERO stars out of 4