B-Movie Break - Snakes on a Plane

Snakes on a Plane certainly lives up to its title. There is a plane. Check! And snakes do indeed find their way onto said plane. Check two! The film that follows is a shocking, I would even go so far as to say cautionary, tale about what to do when snakes are on your plane.

There’s a basic plot about Samuel L. Jackson escorting some cool-dude witness to testify against an evil crimelord. Unlike most evil crimelords who would probably just threaten to kill the kid’s family to keep him quiet (when has this strategy not worked) this guy decides to go a little overboard by handpicking a whole bunch of international poisonous snakes and putting them on a plane.

I’m still a little unclear as to why it’s easier to get a box of poisonous snakes on a plane rather than a bomb, some kind of virus, or food poison even? But nonetheless, this is the method of execution our crazed, karate loving crimelord has chosen. Maybe he’s all philosophical and believes that the punishment must fit the crime – much like the original serpent in the Book of Genesis, our cool dude witness is going to use words to get some people in trouble….hence fight fire with fire…or snakes with snakes.

As you can see, these are the kinds of intellectual avenues Snakes on a Plane travels down. And by the time the motherf*#$ing snakes are unleashed on the motherf*#$ing plane (the *#$ represents “uck” for those out of the loop) it really shows the true horrific potential of what snakes on a plane can do.

Life Lessons Learned About Snakes on a Plane

Did you know that snakes when put on a plane will bite every body part once? I’m talking every body part….like seriously. Yeah….even down there guys. Be prepared.

Did you know that serpents on flying machines will only kill boring people and mean people (except for old ladies)? It’s true. If you are weird, funny (with a gentle sense of humour), kind, or pretty (I’m not talking slutty) and plane snakes attack, you have an 88% greater chance of survival.

Did you know that the pilots will always die at the sharp, pointed teeth of snakes on a plane? In these situations you do not want to be the pilot, stand near the pilot, talk with the pilot, or even give the pilot a high-five when he hands you those gold wings. Pilots give off a “kill-me” scent that cannot be diluted or altered.

Did you know that video games are actually tools in the war on snakes on a plane? You do now. Since the pilot will die, some random passenger must land the plane. Fortunately, video games have reached a technical zenith unheard of until now. That PSP you’re playing. It’s just as good as twelve years of flight school.

Did you know that if you are bitten by a snake on a plane, a boring police officer in LA who has been bored at work will go on an incredibly boring quest with a boring snake expert to track down the anti-venom? Some facts I wish I didn’t know.

But I’m thankful I know most of these lessons, although I should have learned more. Snakes on a Plane always veers on the side of caution, avoiding the true horrors of these attacks. There has to be more ways to kill snakes on a plane than broken bottles and a little flamethrower. I’m pretty sure the survival rate of such an attack wouldn’t be so high, even considering the Samuel L. Jackson factor.

So while part of me is deeply grateful for the information this movie has passed along, another part of me doesn’t believe that I am fully prepared for this new wave of amphibi-terror. Because of this hesitancy I can only award Snakes on a Plane

**1/2 out of 4 stars

B-Movie Break - Abominable

Abominable is a gloriously cheesy B-movie. It doesn’t have an original bone in its body, but it certainly tries hard to entertain, and it has some moderately effective scares.

After a horrible rock climbing accident put him in a wheelchair and killed his wife, Preston Rogers (Matt McCoy) returns back to the mountains for a weekend attempt to put the past behind him. Too bad it’s the same weekend that the Abominable Snowman decides to wreak havoc on the area!!!

Abominable basically takes Rear Window (the idea of a wheelchair bound man spying on his neighbours – five beautiful women in this movie) and combines it with an animal attack movie. And you know what? It’s not half bad.

Sure there are some really annoying characters. Otis Wilhelm (Christien Tinsley) tops the list as Preston’s “let’s just do everything to make Preston’s life difficult” nurse. And the cameo appearances by Jeffrey Combs and Lance Henriksen (while admittedly cool) are basically filler.

So, what keeps it going? Matt McCoy. He’s actually pretty great in this movie. Sure, even he can’t make some of the script’s tongue in cheek dialogue work, but he can provide some emotional gravitas to utterly ridiculous scenes.

There’s a scene where he tells a frightened girl how other than his accident, being attacked by the Abominable Snowman is the second scariest moment of his life, and as funny as that sounds he actually makes it kind of touching.

Ryan Schifrin’s directing is a big plus as well. He has a nice grasp of tension, and makes the most of his limited budget. Sure he doesn’t quite have the polished feel of a horror master, but with time I think Schifrin could develop the chops.

Abominable doesn’t mark any new territory, but it is competent and fun, and worth checking out if you want to celebrate B-movies.

Star Rating - **1/2 out of 4