TV Shows I'm Watching - Heroes (Eps. 12 - 13)

Episode 12 – Godsend - ** out of 4

When we last left our heroes they were dealing with a new problem; they realized that the cause of the huge, New York destroying explosion is going to be an exploding man. Two weeks later flashes up on the screen at the start of this episodes and…well…our heroes really haven’t done all that much to fix the problem, and don’t do that much in the following 42 minutes. You’ve had two weeks! Jack Bauer, sans superpowers, fixes twelve of those problems in 24 hours!

This episode basically follows the heroes as they go back to moping, the national pastime of most superheroes apparently. They talk a lot about the exploding man, and Hiro tries to steal a sword that will help him focus his powers, but really it’s a return to the mope-tastic first few episodes. The Sylar plot goes nowhere, the exploding man information feels like everyone’s saying, “Previously on Heroes”, and there’s only one or two exciting new character revelations. Ladies and Gentleman, Matt Parkman’s wife finally knows about his telepathy. That’s the highlight of this episode.

On the Niki front we can now add abused prisoner, possible death row candidate (if only they go through with it), and straight jacketed psych patient to her list of “achievements”.

This is a disappointing episode all around especially considering the leaps and bounds Heroes had taken before the hiatus.

Episode 13 – The Fix - ** out of 4

Well, after two episodes, I’m officially calling out Heroes on its midseason slump. Every show has a midseason slump sooner or later, and most often it tends to be in the first season (since most writers don’t know for sure if their show will get picked up for a full season the second half is usually thinly plotted).

But here it is in all its mediocre glory. Once again, very little happens in The Fix. Sure there is a nifty revelation in the Claire subplot surrounding her birth parents, and now there’s an angry invisible man yelling a lot at Peter, but that’s it….

How mediocre is this slump? Case in point - After revealing to his wife his telepathic powers Matt Parkman now deals with the biggest threat yet, faulty plumping in his washroom! Yeah, there’s a plumbing subplot on a show called Heroes!!!

The end of the episode provides a few tantalizing hints suggesting it may be a short lived slump (Sylar’s back, Sulu shows up), but frankly it can’t come soon enough. I’m waiting to see something heroic, even if it’s just helping some lady across the street.

Smokin' Aces

Smokin’ Aces is messy; a loud cacophony of a film that is tonally all over the map. Yet in the midst of this depraved chaos, director Joe Carnahan finds great moments. It’s easy to see the many flaws, and there are numerous problems with this flick (the kid in the karate uniform is one of the worst movie characters of all time!), but there’s a boundless enthusiasm at work here, and a crazed sense of creativity.

The plot is much simpler than the movie would have you believe. There’s a witness, Buddy Israel (Jeremy Piven) who is about to testify against the mob. The mob wants him dead and offers a million dollars to whoever can do it. So, while Buddy is holed up in the penthouse suite of a Lake Tahoe hotel a whole slew of bizarre assassins tries to kill him while the FBI tries to keep him alive. Yep, Smokin’ Aces is essentially It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World by way of Pulp Fiction with a coked out snitch under the Big “W” rather than a suitcase of cash.

What makes Smokin’ Aces stand out from the recent rash of high octane crime flicks is that it doesn’t play everything for laughs. There are funny moments, to be sure, but Carnahan isn’t making a comedy; he’s making a grand over the top melodrama, and there are several scenes that reach bizarre emotional heights. From an assassin comforting his dying victim to a distraught sniper desperately trying to protect the woman she loves, Carnahan’s script slips beneath the cool veneers of these characters and exposes, if only for a moment or two, their true selves. That’s not to say Smokin’ Aces is deep or profound, it isn’t, but it at least allows its cast of amoral characters a chance to be human, which seems so rare in today’s “cool” action flicks.

And once the action kicks in, Smokin’ Aces is intense. There’s nothing too revolutionary, but what is there is smartly choreographed, well shot, and suspenseful. A confrontation in an elevator between an FBI agent and one of the assassins, where a tiny change in body language could lead to sudden death, is gripping. Equally impressive is a gore-drenched battle involving three nihilist killers, chainsaws, shotguns, bombs, and a group of vastly unprepared security guards.

Smokin’ Aces takes one too many unnecessary detours to be truly great (when that karate kid shows up gauge out your eyeballs – you’ll thank me later), and skims over characters you want to spend more time with, but it’s a fun ride overall.

Star Rating *** out of 4

What I Rented - The Illusionist

Without revealing too much, I will probably get into plot details in this review that could ruin your enjoyment of The Illusionist so read at your own caution.

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Once a magician explains his illusion the magic is gone and it becomes a simple parlour trick. If The Illusionist had followed this guideline it might have lived up to its title, but alas it devolves into a moderately entertaining movie devoid of any real screen magic.

Eisenheim (Edward Norton) is a first rate magician whose current show appears to be pushing the bounds of good taste. Crown Prince Leopold (Rufus Sewell) is outraged by the spiritual content of his show and has Inspector Uhl (Paul Giammati) arrest him. What follows is the complex story of Eisenheim’s career, love life, and feud with the Crown Prince himself.

It’s a great set up, but once again, we have a movie where the script revolves around tricking the audience ; nothing more. For me a plot twist is only rewarding when it adds to the emotional journeys of the characters. When it’s designed solely to fool the audience or the audience surrogate, which in this case would be Inspector Uhl, then it feels like sleight of hand.

The first half of the story is the best. Eisenheim comes to town, dazzles audiences with his amazing illusions, and then meets his old childhood sweetheart who is engaged to be married. There’s real warmth in the romantic subplot, and the film focuses primarily on Eisenheim’s troubled love life.

Then the plot mechanics start to grind, and the film drastically switches gear.

Suddenly, due to some startling complications, Eisenheim is a supporting character in the film and is seen only through Inspector Uhl’s eyes. It’s a jarring change, and since I was no longer allowed to get into Eisenheim’s head, my first question was, “What is he hiding and why can’t the audience know about it?”

The second half of the film ends up becoming a puzzle, which is fun to try and solve for a while, but loses all of the emotional electricity from the first half. Instead of engaging with the characters on any guttural level I was trying to fit the pieces together.

When everything is finally revealed, the magic trick is pretty underwhelming.

That’s not to say that The Illusionist is a total loss. It’s beautifully shot, has a wonderful sense of atmosphere aided by a neat Philip Glass score, and that first hour is phenomenal. It’s just too bad that it feels the need to focus on plot mechanics rather than character. By focusing so much on the trick itself, it forgets to spend any real time with the true star, the magician.

Star Rating - **1/2 out of 4

What I Rented - Crank

I wanted to like Crank. You’ve got to believe me. I enjoy a mindless action film as much as the next guy, and the premise for this film sounded great – Jason Statham gets poisoned and has to keep his adrenaline level up or else he dies, and he’s not ready to die until he gets the guys who killed him! I moderately enjoyed Jason Statham’s Transporter flicks, so I was hoping for a good ride, but as Crank kept spinning its wheels, a shocking thought entered my head…..”wow, I hate this movie.”

The biggest problem with Crank is that while the premise is intriguing it also helps to dig the film’s grave. This has to be one of the most repetitive movies I’ve ever seen. Every five minutes or so, Statham starts slowing down, and starts dying, so he has to do something morally shocking to get his adrenaline back up. At first it’s funny and mildly exhilarating watching Statham sink into a pool of drugs, violence, and sex. But, once you know the joke it stops becoming funny. I get it! He has to do something crazy to stay alive.

This could work if Crank was interested in building momentum, but it wants to be exciting for every single minute of its running time. The ending has the same level of excitement as the beginning. It’s like babysitting a kid with ADHD who wants to show you how amazing he is by doing lots of stupid things for an hour and a half. At first it’s kind of amusing, but it gets annoying really fast.

I liked a few things about the movie. An action scene involving a car traveling up an escalator made me laugh, and the last two minutes are great, but everything else is a horrible blur.

For a movie so interested in being exciting, it’s amazing how boring Crank truly is.

Star Rating - * out of 4

B-Movie Break - Snakes on a Plane

Snakes on a Plane certainly lives up to its title. There is a plane. Check! And snakes do indeed find their way onto said plane. Check two! The film that follows is a shocking, I would even go so far as to say cautionary, tale about what to do when snakes are on your plane.

There’s a basic plot about Samuel L. Jackson escorting some cool-dude witness to testify against an evil crimelord. Unlike most evil crimelords who would probably just threaten to kill the kid’s family to keep him quiet (when has this strategy not worked) this guy decides to go a little overboard by handpicking a whole bunch of international poisonous snakes and putting them on a plane.

I’m still a little unclear as to why it’s easier to get a box of poisonous snakes on a plane rather than a bomb, some kind of virus, or food poison even? But nonetheless, this is the method of execution our crazed, karate loving crimelord has chosen. Maybe he’s all philosophical and believes that the punishment must fit the crime – much like the original serpent in the Book of Genesis, our cool dude witness is going to use words to get some people in trouble….hence fight fire with fire…or snakes with snakes.

As you can see, these are the kinds of intellectual avenues Snakes on a Plane travels down. And by the time the motherf*#$ing snakes are unleashed on the motherf*#$ing plane (the *#$ represents “uck” for those out of the loop) it really shows the true horrific potential of what snakes on a plane can do.

Life Lessons Learned About Snakes on a Plane

Did you know that snakes when put on a plane will bite every body part once? I’m talking every body part….like seriously. Yeah….even down there guys. Be prepared.

Did you know that serpents on flying machines will only kill boring people and mean people (except for old ladies)? It’s true. If you are weird, funny (with a gentle sense of humour), kind, or pretty (I’m not talking slutty) and plane snakes attack, you have an 88% greater chance of survival.

Did you know that the pilots will always die at the sharp, pointed teeth of snakes on a plane? In these situations you do not want to be the pilot, stand near the pilot, talk with the pilot, or even give the pilot a high-five when he hands you those gold wings. Pilots give off a “kill-me” scent that cannot be diluted or altered.

Did you know that video games are actually tools in the war on snakes on a plane? You do now. Since the pilot will die, some random passenger must land the plane. Fortunately, video games have reached a technical zenith unheard of until now. That PSP you’re playing. It’s just as good as twelve years of flight school.

Did you know that if you are bitten by a snake on a plane, a boring police officer in LA who has been bored at work will go on an incredibly boring quest with a boring snake expert to track down the anti-venom? Some facts I wish I didn’t know.

But I’m thankful I know most of these lessons, although I should have learned more. Snakes on a Plane always veers on the side of caution, avoiding the true horrors of these attacks. There has to be more ways to kill snakes on a plane than broken bottles and a little flamethrower. I’m pretty sure the survival rate of such an attack wouldn’t be so high, even considering the Samuel L. Jackson factor.

So while part of me is deeply grateful for the information this movie has passed along, another part of me doesn’t believe that I am fully prepared for this new wave of amphibi-terror. Because of this hesitancy I can only award Snakes on a Plane

**1/2 out of 4 stars

Pan's Labyrinth

Pan’s Labyrinth is what good horror is all about, and make no mistake about it, as much as people are trying to “legitimize” it by calling it a Fairy Tale, this a scary horror flick that also happens to be one of the most beautiful and heartbreaking films in recent memory.

In 1944, a small girl, Ofelia, and her pregnant mother move to a mansion in the Spanish hills to live with Captain Vidal, the mother’s new husband and an officer of the Nationalist army. He has been sent there in order to defeat a Republican militia stationed in the hills, and wants his son to be born by his side no matter what the cost. Ofelia, an imaginative girl, discovers that a Labyrinth behind the house is a doorway to another world, a world where she may in fact be a princess. In order to escape the escalating horrors around her, Ofelia must complete three difficult tasks before she is accepted into the magical kingdom.

Guillermo Del Toro has always been a director who can conjure up terrifying images like no one else, but his imagery has always exceeded the quality of his scripts, until now. Del Toro never shies away from reality in Pan’s Labyrinth, despite the magical undercurrent, and it’s this unwavering commitment that gives the film a sense of urgency. He depicts this small war in graphic detail, and the characters grapple with enormous moral choices that could lead to death at any moment. Captain Vidal is a terrifying character; the true monster of the film, and his brutal and unpredictable actions create a constant sense of peril for our protagonists.

It’s this environment that leads Ofelia into the magical world of fauns and princesses, and while the horrors are more visually astonishing, the journey is just as frightening for her.
The fears in Ofelia’s world are the fears of a child. She’s confronted on a simple visceral level by crawling bugs, mud pits, and horrible creatures (The Pale Man will get under your skin), but also on a more emotional level with powerlessness, abandonment, and loneliness. It’s the impact of the war filtered through the mind of a child, taking fears she cannot emotionally deal with and turning them into something simple and tangible.

By the time Del Toro reaches the end of his film, both narrative threads combine brilliantly to create an achingly touching finale.

Pan’s Labyrinth takes the horror film to a new level of artistry, showing that with the right talent, stories about monsters and hidden worlds can be just as gut wrenching and rewarding as anything else.

Star Rating **** (out of 4)

The Bond Project - The Spy Who Loved Me - Part 2

Major plot points revealed (especially since this talks about plot!)

The Plot

After the initial disappearance of the submarine, The Spy Who Loved Me is divided into two halves. The first half tells the story of how Bond and Agent XXX compete to track down microfilm that will hopefully lead them to an evil world-destroying villain. This section of the film is the most fun. It takes place in Egypt and involves double crosses, multiple assassinations, and lots of chases. Bond and XXX form an uneasy alliance and each tries to one up the other in order to get the upper hand.

In the second half, Britain and Russia decide to work together in order to stop this national threat. Bond and XXX are paired together and follow clues from the microfilm that leads them to Stromberg, a billionaire oceanographer in Sardinia. This section becomes much more conventional and the relationship between XXX and Bond is far less playful. Essentially, the film turns into a trying-to-beat-the-clock film as Stromberg threatens to annihilate the world with nuclear missiles.

I have to admit that I was very disappointed at how little payoff there is to the “Bond killed XXX’s lover” subplot. She threatens to kill him once the mission is over, but there’s never a moment where you believe she has any intention of killing him. The whole mess is glossed over with a few quick smiles and some roguish Bond charm. Why even introduce it?

Overall, the simple uncomplicated plot provides a nice framework for some good action scenes, but never really tackles the more complex, interesting story lurking beneath the surface.

3 out of 4

The Action Scenes

Skiing away from Assassination – James Bond gets called away from his mountain love shack in order to serve his country. Too bad his lady friend is playing for the Russkies, and in moments a hit squad, on skis, is after Bond. It’s a very short action scene that has some awful music. While I liked seeing Bond ski through some narrow passages and kill a guy with his ski pole gun, it’s all filler for the moment right before the credits when Bond skis off a cliff. That’s right, he goes full tilt suicidal and skis right off of a mountain…until a British Flag parachute pops out! Ho hum till the eye popper of an ending.

2.5 out of 4

Sandor Fight - Bond fights one of Stromberg’s henchmen , Sandor, on a rooftop in Egypt. A good time to take a bathroom break as the fight offers very little in terms of creativity. Bond gets smacked around a lot into a trellis or two. A funny gag at the end involving Sandor’s tie is kind of clever, but Sandor ends up coming across as one of Bond’s weakest opponents.

1.5 out of 4

Jaws in the Ruins – Jaws leads Bond and XXX into a trap at some ancient Egyptian ruins which leads to a nifty fight scene. The massive columns of the ruins provide some nice suspense, as Jaws could be hiding behind anything and everything. When Jaws finally makes his appearance there is a short fight involving scaffolding. Five bucks says you can figure out what will happen when a giant man who swings his arms a lot will do when placed under rickety scaffolding. Just when you think the fight is over, the real fun begins as Jaws takes on Bond and XXX’s van. He rips the thing to shreds even while being hit and run into walls.

3 out of 4

Jaws Train Fight – Jaws tries to kill XXX when she is in her train room. Bond stops him and they engage in fisticuffs for a few minutes, with Jaws battering Bond around. It’s reminiscent of the much superior fight scene in From Russia With Love, and doesn’t really add anything to the movie.

2 out of 4

Lotus Chase – Bond’s new car gets a lot of screen time in a chase along the Sardinia Cliffside. While not the best car chase in the series, it still provides some cool moments. The biggest problem I have with the scene is that the villains take Bond on one at a time, so the action never becomes anything more than controlled chaos. The first vehicle tries to kill him with a motorcycle sidecar torpedo. The second vehicle (with Jaws riding shotgun) tries to take him out with gunfire. And the third vehicle, a helicopter, decides to go the gunfire route as well. Fortunately, for Bond and the audience the Lotus has a pretty amazing surprise in store – it’s also a submarine! Just when Bond has run out of road, he flies into the ocean, and the car transforms into a submersible that shoots a missile at the menacing helicopter. And the best part is, the chase isn’t over. After basking in the glory of the underwater beauty, Stromberg’s minions come after Bond in their own submersibles. It’s nothing an oil spray and a few mines can’t take care of though, and Bond makes a fast and memorable getaway to a local beach.

3 out of 4

Supertanker Warzone - Stromberg’s supertanker is about to cause World War III. He must be quite the oceanographer because he’s got an army of heavily armed henchmen ready to die for his ocean crusading plans! With a little careful maneuvering Bond is able to evade his captors and begin an armed rebellion. This is a pretty impressive battle sequence complete with flamethrowers, lots of machine gun fire, and some suspenseful bomb re-rigging. In all of the Bond films it’s probably one of the biggest and most chaotic action scenes. It does feel awfully similar to the ending of You Only Live Twice though, just replacing the volcano fortress with a supertanker.

3.5 out of 4

Final Confrontation - Bond confronts Stromberg and Jaws onboard Stromberg’s massive Submarine fortress. The problem is, the villains have Agent XXX and the military has threatened to blow up the sub if Bond isn’t back in an hour. The one on one with Stromberg is pretty disappointing, but the Jaws fight is kind of fun. Jaws and Bond fight atop a shark tank. While the action is a little clunky, and Moore’s stunt double is pretty apparent, it does end with Jaws fighting a shark, and in my book…well…that’s pretty cool. Agent XXX and Bond make their way to safety in the midst of the military attack which means they have to run through waterlogged corridors and lose their balance a lot. It’s not the best final action scene, but it doesn’t take away from the movie either.

2.5 out of 4

Total Score for Action Scenes – ratings added together divided by the number of action scenes.

2.5714 out of 4

What I Rented - Hard Candy

Hard Candy tries to follow a difficult road, but unfortunately takes a few too many lefts when it should be taking rights. It’s the story of a man, Jeff, (Patrick Wilson) who has lured a 14 year old girl, Hayley, (Ellen Page), by way of Internet chat rooms, to meet him at a restaurant. He takes her back to his house, they have a few drinks, and before long he’s passed out. When he wakes up he finds that the innocent little girl he was trying to take advantage of is a tough as nails crusader who has some nasty surprises in store for him.

Hard Candy’s biggest accomplishment is in its casting. Patrick Wilson and Ellen Page are fantastic together before the script goes completely over the top. Wilson has the difficult task of trying to make his character, a sexual predator, charming and creepy at the same time, and he does so remarkably. One of the film’s big mysteries is just how far Jeff has gone with his past encounters, and it’s a true testament to Wilson’s performance that I could envision him being both innocent and guilty.

Page has the more showy role; the innocent ingénue turned avenging attacker, and in the early scenes she is extremely convincing. She plays the little girl with a hint more wisdom than a girl her age should have, yet she never loses sight of the fact that she is 14.

These early scenes are sharply written, tense, and stem naturally from the characters’ motivations. About halfway through the movie though, I started to feel like certain lines of dialogue and situations were being imposed on the story. Hayley’s voice slowly starts to feel like the voice of a much older character and her actions become far more unbelievable (is she really that clever or that strong?). These changes take away from the credibility the film has established, and lead the movie toward a contrived ending that I didn’t believe for one second.

By the end, the film succumbs to shock value, and the carefully nuanced writing becomes abrasive and by-the-numbers (even resorting to the clichéd neighbour-just-decided-to-stop-by scene). It’s a shame because when Hard Candy isn’t trying so hard, it’s one of the more engrossing thrillers of recent memory.

Star Rating **1/2 (out of 4 stars)

Children of Men

Children of Men is a stunning achievement; a science fiction film that provides an emotionally rich story, thought provoking material, and some of the most awe-inspiring visuals I’ve seen in years.

In 2027 women are infertile all over the world. The youngest person, aged 18, has just been killed, and in 50 years it looks as though the human race will become just a memory. Theo (Clive Owen) has just about given up on life, until his ex-wife (Julianne Moore), the leader of a terrorist organization, asks for his help. He reluctantly agrees, only to find himself in the midst of a journey that could ultimately save humanity.

Director Alfonso Cuaron and his creative team dive into perfecting a completely textured and complex world. This isn’t a high tech science fiction landscape, but it is the most captivating futuristic world I’ve seen on film since Blade Runner. Every corner of every frame tells a piece of this story, and Cuaron isn’t afraid to reveal what lies at the murky bottom of each corner. From opulent palaces to inhuman ghettos, no area is left unexplored.

In this world, Cuaron takes his characters on an enormous emotional voyage, dropping them into the midst of horrific rebellions, but never dwelling on the brutality. The film’s most wondrous qualities are its optimism, tenderness, and sense of humour even in the face of shocking violence. It never trivializes the tragedies that occur, but Cuaron continually emphasizes that it is compassion and humour that keep the human race alive.

It’s been two days since I’ve seen Children of Men, and there are so many scenes that I just can’t get out of my head. From quiet personal moments to intense action scenes, Cuaron tells his story with a masterful hand, utilizing extraordinary filmic techniques. The highlight of the film is a ten minute chase scene, shot in one continuous take, through an urban warzone. It’s intense, riveting, and one of the few times in a movie where I have physically had to lift my jaw off the floor. And it’s only one of ten equally impressive moments.

Children of Men will be a film that I constantly return to in the years to come.

Star Rating **** (out of 4)

The Bond Project - The Spy Who Loved Me - Part 1

This is the first article in the long promised Bond Project. I’ll warn everyone ahead of time that I am going to be talking about very specific plot points, so if you’ve never seen these movies before, you are forewarned.

I decided, for no particular reason other than I wanted to watch it again, to start with The Spy Who Loved Me. Because this is the first article, I will occasionally explain how certain numerical ratings are calculated. Also, these reviews are considerably longer than I anticipated, so I will be spreading them out over numerous parts. This part will concentrate on the opening of the movie.

Cold Opening - the sequence before the credits

Unlike a lot of Bond films, the cold opening to The Spy Who Loved Me sets up a lot of groundwork for the plot as well as showing off a good action scene.

The movie starts aboard a nuclear submarine that suddenly disappears. Since there were 16 Polaris missiles on board, it becomes an international incident and the Russian government contacts their best agent, XXX (Barbara Bach) to follow a lead in Cairo. Britain calls upon their best agent as well, and high atop a snowy cliff, in the throws of passion, James Bond is summoned. Too bad his cliff partner is out to double cross him and Bond must avoid the bad guys and ski away to survive (I’ll talk about this more in the action section).

What makes this section of the film effective is the careful way it introduces the conflicts of the film. It establishes the race between the Russians and the British to find the nuclear sub first, and it sets up the emotional journey for XXX, whose boyfriend is killed by Bond during the skiing sequence. This to-the-point intro helps to make The Spy Who Loved Me one of the fastest paced Bond films.

3.5 out of 4

The Credits Sequence

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Rc8G9R7q3s

The images – It’s a typical Roger Moore opening with lots of nude silhouettes doing simplistic gymnastics routines; trampoline jumps, cartwheels, and dipsy doodles around a large silhouette of a gun. The line up of Russian soldiers who let themselves by toppled over by Bond with one simple push gets an extra half star.

2.5 out of 4

The song – Nobody Does it Better – While a much schmaltzier song than is usually afforded the Bond films, it actually works quite nicely. I mean the movie is called The Spy Who Loved Me, so a love ballad is appropriate. I only wish there was a bit more of an edge to the song as it makes Bond look like the gentlest lover in the history of the world. Ahhhh, he holds you and you feel the magic inside him. Is it too much to ask for a single lyric about how he can simultaneously kill a guy with a swift karate chop to the neck?

2.5 out of 4

So two 2.5s give an average of 2.5 for The Credits Sequence

What I Rented - Miami Vice

Miami Vice has to be the coolest movie ever made. That’s not a compliment, just an observation. Characters slam down mad rhymes, people rarely smile, there’s all sorts of “Vice” lingo that is so nonsensical it must be important, and when anyone takes a shower they aren’t on their own for too long (uh huh!).

I have to hand it to Michael Mann. He is committed to this cool vision even if that vision veers into self-parody numerous times.

Crockett and Tubbs know the seedy drug underworld, and when an informant spills the beans on a wide array of undercover FBI agents, it’s up to the Miami Vice Squad to rebuild the case. This means…deep cover. Or as Tubbs says, they are in so deep they can’t tell, “which way is up!”……so cool Tubbs, so cool. Of course, Crockett finds himself not only deeply undercover, but deeply in love with Isabella, a business woman who deals in drugs.

The biggest problem with Miami Vice is that there is nothing beneath the cool surface. Crockett and Tubbs act the same way in their personal lives as they do on the job. Because the audience can’t see their fears, hopes, dreams, or how they love outside of a sexual relationship they become one note crusaders. The right actors could maybe have pulled this off. Look at Daniel Craig’s work in Casino Royale – yes he’s cool, but Craig always makes sure to pull back, and reveal slight insecurities when nobody’s looking. Foxx and Farrell always maintain a cool persona, and it becomes tiresome and ultimately alienating.

How can an audience care about these relationships when there’s no real sense that the characters care about one another?

The movie finally gets its second wind in the last forty-five minutes when everything gets out of hand for Crockett and Tubbs. Mann creates some genuinely suspenseful action scenes. As he has shown in Heat and Collateral he knows how to stage a shootout, and Miami Vice is no exception. For this chunk of the movie, Mann finally surrenders his film to its surface level style, and the clinical way in which he follows each step of the action is captivating.

It’s not enough to save the movie, however; and Mann’s attempt at an emotionally complex ending falls flat.

Miami Vice tries too hard to be hip and cutting edge. It can focus on beautiful women, fast boats, sleek airplanes, cool clothes, and slick weapons all it wants, but with nothing behind it, it all just comes off as superficial nonsense.

Star Rating ** (out of 4 stars)

What I Rented - World Trade Center

World Trade Center is respectful and emotional, but tells such a limited story that it ends up becoming repetitive and kind of dull. I suppose this is really the only way to treat the subject of 9/11 since the pain of that day is still so fresh in everyone’s minds, but the movie feels cautious and timid. It only really comes to life at the beginning and at the end.

When the towers fell, two Port Authority Transit Officers, were buried beneath the rubble. Miraculously they survived the initial collapse, and World Trade Center tells the story of how they struggled to stay alive, and how the people of New York came together to help them.

Oliver Stone, who usually bombards the screen with in-your-face visuals, scales back his more stylistic tendencies and relies on many static shots and a straight forward narrative. It’s appropriate for the intimate story he is telling. Unfortunately, he doesn’t scale back on his running time, choosing to tell an hour and a half story for just over two hours.

The opening is haunting as we see New Yorkers going about their daily business, unaware of the tragedy that will befall them. Stone limits the point of view to the men on the ground, so we don’t see any shots of the planes hitting the towers. This strategy works quite well since we are able to truly understand the confusion everyone must have felt that day. The men argue whether or not the second tower was hit, toss around rumours, and do their job without knowing all the details. There’s a great deal of tension and heartbreak as we realize most of these men are heading to their deaths.

Stone’s one big special effects sequence shows the towers collapsing from the inside. It’s terrifying to watch.

Once the tower falls and the men realize they are trapped, the movie halts to a stop. The main problem is that the focus shifts to the men’s wives. Maria Bello and Maggie Gyllenhaal both do a great job, but their storylines are far too similar. Essentially we just watch as both women come to grips with the fact that the men they love might be dead. A scene or two would have been fine, but Stone keeps showing us different ways in which their husbands will be missed. They won’t be able to watch their children grow up, they won’t be able to name their child, they won’t be able to finish the cabinets….

I’m sure this all happened, but I was much more interested in the rescue operation to find the survivors. Once the movie switches gears to that, it comes back to life. Watching the struggle to not only find these two men, but get them out of the rubble is somewhat awe inspiring.

If the story had been told in a shorter time, the fast pace would have at least provided a rhythmic energy that the movie is sorely lacking. Stone seems to be constantly battling with his instinctual urges, and as a result, most of the scenes are muted and downplayed. I can’t help but feel that World Trade Center was made mostly as a reaction to the critical whooping Stone took for the emotional and visual excesses of Alexander. In the end World Trade Center is a fine movie, but one that lacks the passion you would expect from Oliver Stone.

Star Rating **1/2 (out of 4 stars)

What I Rented - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

It’s easy to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest as being just a showcase for Johnny Depp’s Jack Sparrow. He certainly steals the show with his off the wall comedic timing, but all of the attention placed on Depp has taken away from the solid work of director Gore Verbinski.

For the most part Verbinski’s talent seems to be revitalizing tired genres. That’s certainly what he’s done with the Pirates series, and while I can’t say that Pirates 2 is firing on all cylinders, I can certainly admire how hard everyone is working to make it entertaining.

The biggest problem is just how long it takes the movie to get going. Jack Sparrow has made a deal with Davy Jones, and now that the deal is over, Jones has come to add Sparrow to his crew of the undead.

The first hour is almost completely pointless. Once the plot is set up, the script takes far too many detours. I understand that there are a lot of characters we need to be reintroduced to, but there are far too many subplots that could have easily been cut or trimmed. A whole story involving Elizabeth Swann crossdressing so she can stow away on a trading ship feels unnecessary, as does the hilarious, but plot halting, sequence where Jack Sparrow becomes the leader of a Native tribe.

Thankfully the film has so much energy, that these scenes seem more like mere diversions than crushing weaknesses, and once the big set pieces kick in Verbinski proves why he is becoming the go-to guy for blockbuster filmmaking.

A three-way swordfight between the main characters intercut with some backstabbing by the supporting characters is the highlight of the film. As the swordfight moves from a beach to an abandoned fortress to a runaway waterwheel, the choreography becomes more and more intricate. The scene fuses Buster Keaton’s stunts, with Errol Flynn’s swashbuckling, and Gene Kelly’s dancing. It’s exhilarating to watch.

While less original, the epic climactic battle with the Krakken is stunning in its own right. As characters are batted around by a barrage of tentacles, the heroes try everything in their power to defend themselves. It’s big in scope, has huge special effects, but is intimate enough that it still allows the character arcs to come to a close.

Pirates 2 is solid blockbuster filmmaking that doesn’t rest on the laurels it garnered from the first part. It’s not redesigning anything, but it is allowing a sharp creative team to craft a fun two and a half hours.

Star Rating *** (out of 4 stars)

Great Moments in Bad Movies

In my mind, there has never been a movie that promised so much in its opening few minutes and delivered so little for the rest of its running time than Neil Jordan’s In Dreams. The film devolves into an unintentionally humorous thriller about a woman who is able to tap into the dreams and thoughts of a child killer. But for the first three minutes, it seems as though In Dreams could very easily be a masterpiece.

As water creeps down a dark hallway, a short introduction explains:

“In 1965 the town of Northfield was evacuated to create the Northfield Reservoir. Two billion gallons of water flooded the empty streets, obliterating all memory of the lives once lived there, leaving a drowned ghost town.”

Beneath the text, the deserted buildings of Northfield become submerged. Water crashes through a church window, darkness follows, and an ethereal blue void fills the screen.

A haunting choral melody (Elizabeth Fraser’s Dream Baby) starts to play as two lights from scuba divers slowly start to explore the present day underwater town.

As the song builds, the images become more and more darkly beautiful; lights passing over long forgotten place settings, divers swimming through graveyards, fish flying past church pews.

It’s a striking sequence founded on a brilliant visual concept. With this scene Neil Jordan instantly creates a macabre, otherworldly atmosphere that provides hints of the gruesome story to follow.

Unfortunately, the atmosphere is almost instantly destroyed by the following scene which has some very stilted dialogue between Annette Bening and her daughter. And the movie goes downhill from there…

But for three amazing minutes In Dreams creates an excitement that few films ever capture. Because of these moments, I sat through the rest of the movie forgiving horrible moments (frantic apple destruction) in the hope that Neil Jordan could reign in the wackiness and find an ending that matched the beginning. It doesn’t happen.

Once In Dreams reaches dry land tune out, but while its underwater enjoy.

What I Rented - Lady in the Water

Lady in the Water is three rewrites away from being a good movie. That’s not to say that this is a disaster, but it is an incredibly unfocused film, spending more time on bizarre exposition than the many interesting characters M. Night Shyamalan has created.

Now, the plot is a jumbled mess with far too many “rules”. As far as I can tell, it has to do with a Narf named Story, a sea creature who can inspire man so that man will create peace and harmony in the world. The Narf meets an apartment superintendent named Cleveland (Paul Giamatti) who has some dark secrets of his own. He must put Story in touch with people in the apartment building who will help her accomplish her mission and find a way home (on a giant eagle). Standing in the way are Scrunts, who are grassy wolf creatures sent to kill narfs. Oh, and there are Tree Monkeys called Tartutic who I think are supposed to kill scrunts, but I’m not quite sure what they’re doing in the movie.

Got that?

I’m really torn with Lady in the Water. Part of me wants to scream; to yell out that M. Night Shyamalan has bought into his own hype and is writing to appease a massive ego that has spiraled way out of control. I mean….aside from the convoluted story….did he need to cast himself in the pivotal role of a writer destined to change the world? Did the most hateful character have to be a movie critic? Why are so many scenes shot from one obscure angle? And is it just me, or is calling it a Bedtime Story just a defense mechanism against critics who will rail against the movie’s sloppy storytelling? You didn’t like it….well that’s cause you’re a grumpy evil movie critic who doesn’t remember what it’s like to be a child!

But, the other side of me is kind of awed by the moments of vision scattered throughout the mess. When the tenants of the apartment complex start to realize they have roles to play in the legend, there are some genuinely heartfelt and humorous moments. A scene in which Jeffrey Wright (who also helped buoy up the flawed Casino Royale) tries to decode secret messages from the words in his crossword puzzle works wonderfully thanks to Wright’s utter conviction. In Wright’s performance you sense that he understands the ridiculousness of the situation while at the same time basking in his importance to the world.

As the tenants start to realize their potential, the movie hints at its own potential. There is a wonderful story here about nobodies who discover that their mundane daily rituals are really the tools needed to save the world. It’s just too bad that it’s hidden beneath layers of narfs, scrunts, and tartutic.

Star Rating - ** (out of 4)