What I Rented - The Marine

The Marine is about a guy who miraculously survives a lot of explosions while trying to save his wife who has been kidnapped by diamond thieves. The man in question is wrestler John Cena, who seems to be hoping that the world is waiting with baited breath for an eighties action flick revival.

And, as terrible a movie as The Marine is, it’s actually better than most of those Van Damme, Steven Seagal pics, not a whole lot better, but better nonetheless. The Marine at least goes full speed ahead with its stupid plot, bizarre characters, hulking machismo, and ridiculous action scenes, creating a movie that barely makes sense, but is awfully entertaining.

Part of the movie’s charm is the villains, a rag tag group of thieves who are downright crazy, in a “I just escaped from the Asylum” kind of way. Lead by Robert Patrick (of Terminator 2 fame) they are just plain wacky, and in case we didn’t know, “WHA WHAAA” sound effects play during one of Robert Patrick’s wackier speeches. My favorite of the wacky villains is Morgan, the black guy who talks about being black all the time, and has a fear of rock candy. That’s right, in The Marine, they actually find a way to have Morgan reminded time and time again about his ridiculous fear of rock candy. This leads to the film’s greatest scene, a short monologue, out of nowhere, in which Morgan reveals that his male camp counselor lured him into his cabin with…you guessed it…rock candy only to…uh huh…molest him. BRAVO screenwriters!!! Oh, and then they play the music from Deliverance. CLASS ACT director!!!

Elsewhere, John Cena runs through the woods a lot and beats up people with his awesome arsenal of wrestling moves. Alas, by the last half hour, when all the interesting villains are killed off, it all becomes painfully boring as yet another gasoline canister sets off an explosive chain reaction.

The Marine is a great movie to rent if you want a lot of unintentional laughs (sadly it’s funnier than most of the comedies released lately), but don’t expect anything more.

Star Rating – I should give it *1/2 out of 4, but I’m feeling generous cause I laughed so much so ** out of 4.