Great Moments in Bad Movies

Superman III is a horrendous movie. I can’t think of too many ideas that have been worse than “Hey movie studio executive, let’s take Richard Pryor and team him up with the greatest superhero of all-time!” I blame the rampant eighties cocaine pandemic in Hollywood for that brainwave.

Now, Richard Lester, the director of Superman III, and the Superman series have had a troubled history. Brought on to replace Richard Donner during Superman II (even though Donner had shot a lot of the movie already), Lester infused the movie with one slapstick joke after another, often tossing them right into the middle of serious scenes.

Superman III takes the comedy to a painful new level, and our great scene is easy to overlook (mostly because you’re trying to read the credits at the same time).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUWRwqz4OQ4 – the first five minutes of this is the scene I’m talking about.

I’ll admit that I hated this sequence the first time I saw it; flat out hated it because it had no right being in a Superman movie. After the epic credit sequences of parts one and two, with John Williams’ great Superman theme song thumping away, why are we watching some forties’ slapstick scene with jaunty, wacky music?

In the context of a Superman movie it’s a terrible, terrible decision that hints at the inane movie that will follow. On its own however; it’s actually an ambitiously staged piece of silent comedy that works like a Rube Goldberg machine in order to re-introduce us to our hero.

A beautiful woman (one of the movie’s villains) walks down Main Street Metropolis and inadvertently proceeds to wreak havoc on the city folk as they turn to catch a look. As one little thing leads to another, Superman must casually try to put everything back together.

The scene is remarkably inventive (the photo booth gag is great) and expertly staged. While the rest of the movie is visually bland, in this scene Lester fills up the frame with multiple jokes, always making sure that his canvas is never too busy. While one joke is wrapping up in the background a new one begins in the foreground.

Also, unlike the bland action scenes that follow, there’s a rhythm and sense of pacing here. Ken Thorne’s score comes to life ever so briefly to provide a propulsive beat.

This scene is more alive than anything in this movie and you can feel the energy that was used to envision it and enact it.

Great Moments In Bad Movies

There are a handful of scenes in the Friday the Thirteenth series that are good, the boxing match in New York, the virtual reality scene in Jason X, ummmmmm…..okay there are two scenes in the Friday the Thirteenth series that are good, and one scene that is amazing.

Is it when Jason finds his mask?
Is it one of the many many deaths?
How about when they cut off Mrs. Vorhee’s head?

Nope! The most incredible scene in the Friday the Thirteenth series occurs in one of its worst movies, Friday the Thirteenth: The Final Chapter.

A group of horny teenagers are staying at a house in Jason stalking territory. They will soon be dead, but unfortunately for us, the audience, we have to get to know them before that happens. So, the inane banter begins and we’re introduced to your ragtag group of eighties teenagers – pretty girl, tough guy, and….hold on….is that George McFly?

That’s right, Crispin Glover shows up in one of his earliest film roles, as poor pathetic Jimmy. He never has any luck with the ladies and is hoping that this weekend will be his time to shine.

In order to woo said lady, Crispin goes for the gold in a scene that will inaugurate the Great Moments in Bad Movies column.

Crispin casually walks over to the stereo, and presses play. A pounding beat – a rhythmic thumping that can only lead to self-confidence – plays over the soundtrack. Using the music as his own personal relationship guru, Crispin walks over to the girl he has had his eye on all weekend. It’s one of those all or nothing walks. You can tell Crispin is on a mission, and you can almost sense him preparing his pick-up line as he begins his march.

He asks if she would care to dance.

Thankfully, for movie going audiences the world over, she says yes.

Crispin has a little thank you prayer to the almighty, and then unleashes the full fury of Jimmy. In twenty-five seconds the landscape of dance was forever altered. Fusing headbanging, the fluttering wingspan of an eagle, and the occasional paw scratch of a beagle, Crispin Glover creates the most awe-inspiring dance in film history.

When his friend turns off the music, Crispin rightly asks, “Why did you turn it off?”

While the clip at Youtube doesn’t show the response (and I don’t want to sit through the movie again to find it) I imagine the reply would be something like this…

“The world isn’t ready Crispin. The world isn’t ready.”

In exactly one minute Crispin Glover announced to that same world that he was an entirely different breed of actor.

I think Crispin Glover realized that he was in a terrible terrible terrible movie, and that the only way to come out of it alive, and with a future career, was to put his own stamp on the Friday the Thirteenth series. Sure the dance was risky, but by the time the movie is over, and everyone is dead, the only thing worth remembering was just how bizarre that moment truly was.

To see it in all its glory…..behold

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIMj_tYfzsc

Trailers that are Better than the Movies - Cliffhanger

Every now and then, a movie trailer appears that is so well edited, so intense, and so visually stunning that there is no way in Hell the movie can ever be that good.

Ciffhanger has one of those trailers. Watch the trailer here and then read the rest:

http://www.movie-list.com/trailers.php?id=cliffhanger

Holy Crap!

Picture this. It’s 1993. Stallone is down and out after the back to back failures of Rocky V, Oscar, and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.

Studio’s thinking – maybe this guy’s box office poison. So, what do you do?

You mark Stallone’s return to full blooded action movies like it’s a religious experience. This could be the most melodramatic trailer of all time! Buoyed by Mozart’s Requiem, the Cliffhanger Trailer flat out states “I am the greatest movie ever made!” And with that confidence we, the helpless audience, are propelled through two straight minutes of non-stop action.

I don’t even know what the plot is based on this trailer. I’m guessing John Lithgow (a daredevil helicopter pilot) wants money, and Stallone, who looks likes he was just having a good time climbing some mountains, doesn’t want him to have it. That’s what I get, but really, who cares?

Helicopters, mountain climbing, gunfire, sliding on ice, drowning under ice, explosions, caves, bats, and a baffled looking Janine Turner are hurtled at the audience with each dramatic movement amplified by cymbals, timpani bursts, and other percussive blasts.

By the time HANG ON! zooms toward the audience (Thank goodness there’s an exclamation point or I wouldn’t have realized this was supposed to be exciting), I’ve already bought twenty tickets for the next show – come on Memorial Day 1993!

Can any movie reach the levels of excitement promised by this trailer?

No matter how good Cliffhanger is (and let’s face it, it’s a good popcorn flick), if I’m not ready to enlist in the Church of Stallone by the time it’s over, then that trailer has seriously mislead me.

So, the first entry in the “Trailer is Better than the Movie Hall of Fame” is Cliffhanger which I give four exclamation points out of a possible four exclamation points for pure trailer excitement.

!!!! out of !!!!

Definitions - Kim Bauer Syndrome

In honor of 24's most hopeless character, Kim Bauer Syndrome refers to any character in a tv show who is constantly getting into increasingly bizarre levels of trouble (mostly because the writers have run out of ideas, so they add in random crises). These events must escalate from fairly normal "bad things" to the most unbelievably improbable circumstances a character can find themselves in.

Examples (spoilers for 24 and Heroes)

Kim Bauer - 24 Season 2 - First she was caught up in some domestic abuse situation, which turned into a murder case....then there was the car accident...and the attack by a mountain lion. If that wasn't bad enough, she was locked in an underground nuclear bunk by Kevin Dillon and accidently managed to show up just in time for a convience store robbery, which all kind of brought her back to a deadly confrontation with domestic abuse husband. Uh huh....

Niki - Heroes Season 1 - So far the list of "bad things" includes - making money through internet stripping, not having enough money to pay for her child's education, owing money to the mob, killing mobsters, being used by the mob as a prostitute to seduce a senatorial candidate, having an ex-con husband, an abusive father, having said ex-con husband kidnap her child, shooting her ex-con husband, and having a drinking problem. And guess what, we're only on episode 11.

TV Shows I'm Watching - Heroes (Eps. 10 - 11)

Episode 10 – Six Months Ago - *** out of 4

Ah yes, the flashback episode. Six Months Ago follows Hiro back in time to save Charlie, the cute waitress. The story then branches out to show what happened to our main characters at the same time.

The episode is a mixed bag, but ends up working thanks to some last minute revelations.

First off, Niki is not getting any more interesting just because more tragedies are brought into her life. Now we find out she was a former alcoholic with an abusive, estranged father. At this rate, by the end of the season we’re going to learn that her mother had four illegitimate children, she has some kind of inoperable brain tumor, and she’s not a real blonde.

But the real meat and potatoes of this episode was the backstory for Sylar. I like origin stories, especially for villains, and this one is pretty cool. I almost wish the episode had focused entirely on Sylar, and less on plot points we already kind of figured out (12 minutes to find out Matt has dyslexia). Sylar meets Suresh’s father, and we start to piece together why he is killing everyone.

I really think that setting up Sylar as being the big villain is great, and I only hope that we see him recruiting some companions in future episodes (hey maybe Niki)

Thankfully, Hiro brings the show to a close with his bittersweet romance (that according to my timeline takes place over two days) with Charlie the waitress. It’s a touching story, but I think there’s more in store for Charlie….so I’m not allowing myself to believe that ending just yet. Hiro has to be able to change the future!

Episode 11 – Fallout - *** ½ out of 4

They made sure that the last episode of 2006 was fantastic (the ½ star off is because the Niki storyline consistently sucks the life out of the show).

Fallout takes us back into the present right after Peter saved the cheerleader. Peter’s been arrested, Claire reveals her secret to her dad, Matt investigates the new Sylar murder, and Isaac’s new premonition has some pretty scary ramifications for the world at large.

Speaking of Isaac, after 11 episodes he is now starting to become more than just “I need to get high all the time” guy. Heroes has a plot device that I am now going to dub:

Hiro Syndrome: The moment a boring character becomes interesting corresponds to the exact moment they physically interact with Hiro!

Think about it: Peter (when future Hiro meets him), Nathan (at the diner), and now Isaac at the Burnt Toast Diner. If only Niki, DL, and Micah could run into him all would be saved.

There’s a lot of drama with Claire’s father and his merry band of government employed superheroes. Once again, his reasons are murky, and Claire trusts him too much, but the way he chooses to protect his daughter is pretty shocking. And there are more twists around the corner.

Now that the Save the Cheerleader, Save the World plot is practically over, this episode leads nicely into the Save New York subplot. The heroes are starting to find each other, and the ending is wonderfully apocalyptic.

If the new year has more episodes like this in store for audiences, Heroes certainly has nowhere to go but up.

B-Movie Break - Abominable

Abominable is a gloriously cheesy B-movie. It doesn’t have an original bone in its body, but it certainly tries hard to entertain, and it has some moderately effective scares.

After a horrible rock climbing accident put him in a wheelchair and killed his wife, Preston Rogers (Matt McCoy) returns back to the mountains for a weekend attempt to put the past behind him. Too bad it’s the same weekend that the Abominable Snowman decides to wreak havoc on the area!!!

Abominable basically takes Rear Window (the idea of a wheelchair bound man spying on his neighbours – five beautiful women in this movie) and combines it with an animal attack movie. And you know what? It’s not half bad.

Sure there are some really annoying characters. Otis Wilhelm (Christien Tinsley) tops the list as Preston’s “let’s just do everything to make Preston’s life difficult” nurse. And the cameo appearances by Jeffrey Combs and Lance Henriksen (while admittedly cool) are basically filler.

So, what keeps it going? Matt McCoy. He’s actually pretty great in this movie. Sure, even he can’t make some of the script’s tongue in cheek dialogue work, but he can provide some emotional gravitas to utterly ridiculous scenes.

There’s a scene where he tells a frightened girl how other than his accident, being attacked by the Abominable Snowman is the second scariest moment of his life, and as funny as that sounds he actually makes it kind of touching.

Ryan Schifrin’s directing is a big plus as well. He has a nice grasp of tension, and makes the most of his limited budget. Sure he doesn’t quite have the polished feel of a horror master, but with time I think Schifrin could develop the chops.

Abominable doesn’t mark any new territory, but it is competent and fun, and worth checking out if you want to celebrate B-movies.

Star Rating - **1/2 out of 4

What I Rented - American Dreamz

American Dreamz is sledgehammer satire. Nothing is subtle and its political and societal jabs hit you hard and repeatedly. It mixes American Idol, George W. Bush, the war in Iraq, and terrorism into one potent cocktail. Everything is played broadly, everyone is a buffoon, and yet, when it works it works really well. There are some big laughs here.

When President Staton (Dennis Quaid) decides to read a newspaper after his reelection he finally starts to understand the horrible complexities of world politics and becomes a shut-in. In order to appeal to the alarmed public, his Chief of Staff (Willem Dafoe) arranges for him to appear on America’s number one television show American Dreamz as a guest judge. Host Martin Tweed (Hugh Grant) wants to spice up the show and finds two worthy contestants – Sally Kendoo (Mandy Moore), who is sweet only on the surface, and Omer Obeidi (Sam Golzari), a sleeper cell terrorist who has difficulty hating the country that produced so many catchy showtunes.

What makes American Dreamz click is a game cast that finds the right balance between reality and caricature. While the big names are very funny, I was pleasantly surprised by Sam Golzari and Mandy Moore.

Golzari takes the toughest role, the terrorist with a heart of gold who gets wrapped up in the American dream machine, and gives him that real sense of “ahhh shucks” wide eyed wonder. As for Mandy Moore, I can’t for the life of me understand why she isn’t a bigger star right now. She’s beautiful, funny, smart, and utterly charming playing a sadistic egomaniac who hides behind her “wholesome” values.

American Dreamz doesn’t have a smart enough script to make it a memorable political satire, but it’s a fun movie that takes some refreshing pot shots at politics and television, and shows how they aren’t all that different.

Star Rating **1/2 out of 4

What I Rented - Ice Age: The Meltdown

Ice Age: The Meltdown is a “why?” sequel. Creatively they didn’t find a good reason to revisit Manny, Sid, and Diego, so every step of the way you constantly ask…”why?”

“Why is Diego just kind of tagging along this time out?”
“Why are the villains underdeveloped?”
“Why are there so many random sequences that have little to do with the plot?”
“And speaking of plot, why is the plot so thin?”

Besides the obvious…“we needed to make more money”, or, “hey relax, it’s just a funny kid’s movie,” I for one couldn’t really think of any answers.

I liked the first Ice Age. It wasn’t a great movie, but it had a lot of heart, some very funny scenes, and three interesting lead characters who all had simple, but sweet emotional arcs.

Ice Age: The Meltdown doesn’t try to change the formula that the first one established, and because of that there’s nowhere for the characters to go. They kind of had their realizations at the end of the first movie, so here they kind of have the same realizations again.

The plot, as thin as it is, involves a melting ice wall that will cause the valley where many animals are living, including our heroic trio, to flood. So, in order to survive, the animals stage a mass exodus to reach a boat at the other side of the valley.

Manny has to deal with loneliness again (only this time it’s loneliness due to possible extinction), Sid has to find out that despite how annoying he is others do still love him, and Diego has to……..learn not to be afraid of water……..what?.....really?...that’s the best storyline you could come up with for the first film’s most interesting character? Anyway, once again Diego has to discover that he isn’t as strong as he thinks he is.

There are funny scenes here and there, but they feel like bandaids trying to fix a sick script. Ice Age: The Meltdown falls into a terrible pattern that many children’s films are falling prey to recently - lots of noise, lots of action, lots of throwaway laughs, but not enough substance behind any of it.

At least Scrat, the squirrel trying to get his nut, still provides some genuine entertainment.

Star Rating - ** out of 4